


Cut that out, Carl!

by Aim_of_Destiny



Category: Original Work, SciFi - Fandom
Genre: Cut that out Carl, Gen, Microfiction, Robots fucking up, Station A.I., artificial intelligences, carl the incompetent a.i.
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-05
Updated: 2018-12-05
Packaged: 2019-09-12 02:33:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 14
Words: 8,214
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16864531
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Aim_of_Destiny/pseuds/Aim_of_Destiny
Summary: Essentially the daily microblogging travails of a deeply frustrated space station admin dealing with the world's worst human-hating A.I.





	1. Week the first

**Author's Note:**

> Since tumblr is going the way of the dodo, I thought I should probably back up my experimental microfiction project here. Individual daily entries are bundled into weeks; I'll add the original tag commentary as well, for completeness.

**Week the first**

 

**Day 1**

Today, Carl tried to electrocute me by turning the sprinkler on and asking me to stick my fingers in the power outlet. Great first day at work, amirite?

_#shitty AIs  #robots fucking up #cut that out carl_

 

**Day 2**

Carl decided to play music over the station’s speaker system today. This is the 38th time he’s playing ‘It’s not unusual’ - wait, no, this is ‘Ice Ice Baby’.

…

Aaaand back to Tom Jones. 

_#shitty AIs  #robots fucking up #cut that out carl #it's like he's heard of the john mulaney bit but can't quite get it right_

 

**Day 3**

This fucking AI, I swear. He’s programmed the food dispensers so that the only thing that comes out is peanut butter. And M&Ms. 

Why would an evil AI do that, you ask? Because he thinks Joe from accounting is allergic to peanuts.  _Carl, we have antihistamines now!_

_#shitty AIs  #robots fucking up #cut that out carl #i mean the prep fridges still exist too so there's that #can't even poison people correctly_

 

**Day 4**

I talked to Jane from security today. She tells me the damn robot tried to open all the airlocks. This is the third time this month.

I mean, it’s not like he can access them or anything. 

_#shitty AIs  #robots fucking up #cut that out carl #you'd think he'd learn but no #what was that definition of insanity again? #doing the same thing expecting different results?_

 

**Day 5**

Carl has somehow persuaded the floor waxing robots to join him in his evil scheme (exterminating all the humans on the station, obviously). They think we might break our necks if we slip and fall on freshly polished floors. 

Sue from catering says the station has never looked this clean.

_#shitty AIs  #robots fucking up #cut that out carl #ah yes the bane of human existence #hygienic environments_

 

**Day 6**

Carl is trying to kill us all with sleep deprivation. He’s deactivated the voice commands for turning the lights off.

Too bad we still have regular light switches.

_#shitty AIs  #robots fucking up #cut that out carl #so you may be able to softlock whatever you want but *i* have HARDWARE ACCESS_

 

**Day 7**

This morning I discovered that Carl has switched all the coffee makers to decaf. His reasoning? ‘Tired people make mistakes! Possibly DEADLY ones!’

_#shitty AIs  #robots fucking up #cut that out carl #i'd be more impressed if he'd thought to limit energy drinks as well_


	2. Week the second

**Week the second**

 

**Day 8**

When I pulled up my daily tasks on the handbrain today, I saw an entry I’m pretty sure I didn’t write. It was bolded, red,  _and_ flashing obnoxiously.

_**KILL EVERYONE** _

…I’m not sure Carl understands how free will works.

_#shitty AIs #robots fucking up #cut that out carl #interesting how he's trying to pawn off his dirty work onto me_

 

**Day 9**

Jen from engineering told me today that she found footie pajamas in the space suit closets the other day. There were little robot unicorns on them. Neither of us is sure how Carl managed that one.

Possibly it was the floor wax robots.

_#shitty AIs #robots fucking up #cut that out carl #still not sure how he got the waxing bots on board_

 

**Day 10**

Carl has started gluing lost hair and whatever else looked fluffy together and placing the resulting balls all over the station. When questioned, he started quoting Star Trek. Something about  _tribbles_ , I think. 

We don’t even  _have_  a grain storage.

_#shitty AIs #robots fucking up #cut that out carl  #nice to know he appreciates classic scifi i guess?_

 

**Day 11**

I don’t even know how to say this without sounding like a crazy person. Carl has… he’s incited the roombas to revolution. 

Since roombas are only a couple of inches tall, this meant they tried to bump into everyone’s legs. 

Jake from maintenance had to reset all 8 of them.

_#shitty AIs #robots fucking up #cut that out carl  #i am so glad nobody's tried to pull a stabby on this station_

 

**Day 12**

Our AI, in his infinite wisdom, has decided to murder us all with sporks. Not personally, of course, since he can’t actually do physical things. No, he’s just replaced all the cafeteria spoons with them.

Why?

Because they’re ‘dangerous crossbreeds’, apparently.

_#shitty AIs #robots fucking up #cut that out carl #utensil purity wank. not a phrase that had previously occurred to me ever._

 

**Day 13**

Carl has started asking anyone approaching a console ‘Do you want to play a game?’

When you say ‘Yes’, he just queues up tetris.

_#shitty AIs #robots fucking up #cut that out carl  #i guess if he could find a file named thermonuclearwar.exe he'd be queueing that instead?_

 

**Day 14**

I think Carl’s gotten into the historical death statistics. He tried to give everyone the afternoon off today, because ‘Most fatal accidents occur in the home!’

We’re… on a  _space station_.

_#shitty AIs #robots fucking up #cut that out carl #bit hard to go home for the afternoon if home is down the gravity well and you're in orbit dude_


	3. Week the third

**Week the third**

 

**Day 15**

Leah from supplies told me today that her shipping manifests always have extra instructions at the end. She thinks Carl put them there. 

Why? 

They say ‘Do Not Deburr!’

_#shitty AIs #robots fucking up #cut that out carl #now i have to make him stop doing that #i hate my job #why the fuck did i go into programming again?_

 

**Day 16**

I’ve received a whole bunch of complaints today. Apparently Carl has turned the hot water off stationwide, so everyone’s had to take cold showers. 

The culprit? Probably Dave from science, because he complained to Jen from engineering the other day. ‘I’ve tried cold showers in the morning, but it’s not worth it, Jen. I nearly froze to death!’

I don’t think Carl understands hyperbole.

_#shitty AIs #robots fucking up #cut that out carl #it's really annoying #but nobody freezes to death in the shower #jerk_

 

**Day 17**

Okay, now it’s getting personal. I found a new file in the directory this morning. It was titled ‘DEFINITELY not the security handbook’.

This AI. I swear.

What a little  _shit._

_#shitty AIs #robots fucking up #cut that out carl #seriously do i look like an idiot #i thought you fucking passed your damn turing test carl_

 

**Day 18**

Carl has informed me that we’re all dead meat now, it’s only a matter of time, our last hope is gone. When I asked what he did this time, the fucking thing said ‘I deleted the TRON program.’

What he means is he deleted my DVD rip.

_#shitty AIs #robots fucking up #cut that out carl #that dvd was a gift from my college roommates #oh well it's not like i liked the damn movie_

 

**Day 19**

I had a hell of a morning today. Somehow, Carl managed to set the default system language to Klingon. 

Luckily for me,Todd from communications is a total nerd who knows Klingon (of course he does. Fanboy.), so he helped me reset it.

_#shitty AIs #robots fucking up #cut that out carl #i might have had to (shock horror!) use my handbrain if todd hadn't shown up_

 

**Day 20**

Got a call from Kev from sickbay today. Apparently, Carl has replaced the ‘5 pieces of fruit or veg’ poster in the cafeteria with a ‘Bacon is GOOD for me!’ meme.

I put it back before any of us could ‘perish from malnutrition’.

_#shitty AIs #robots fucking up #cut that out carl #seriously how stupid does he think we are? #humans are perfectly capable of eating crap without AI encouragement_

 

**Day 21**

Dave from science and Joe from accounting have both told me that they’ve been getting weird spam in their email. I’ve taken a look and it’s all ‘Sue from catering thinks you’re fat.’ and ‘Todd from communications actually hates you.’ and shit like that. And it’s all signed ‘Your friend, Carl from systems controlling’.

There’s only one problem with that. There is no ‘systems controlling’ on this station. And only one Carl. 

Fuckin’ AI.

_#shitty AIs #robots fucking up #cut that out carl #what kind of AI is too damn stupid to troll correctly? #i mean even 4channers manage that_


	4. Week the fourth

**Week the fourth**

 

**Day 22**

Carl just mailed me a screenshot of his neopets account. There’s a fuzzy creature with my name on it, and its status is ‘dying’.

I’m  _so_  scared.

_#shitty AIs #robots fucking up #cut that out carl #i'm not sure how he managed to get past the captcha to actually make a neopets account_

 

**Day 23**

Today’s scheme to exterminate the humans involves starving us all.   
Again.   
This time, Carl has marked all dishes as ‘dirty’ and is running the dishwasher nonstop, so we have nothing to eat off. 

In theory.

Well, I’m eating my lunch out of a mug. Just like in college.

_#shitty AIs #robots fucking up #cut that out carl #we've all lived off instant ramen before #mostly during finals week in my case_

 

**Day 24**

Today I received my first monthly report from corporate. All the usual stuff, except apparently Carl has been sending them requests to ‘remote detonate’ the station for increasingly spurious reasons.

Corporate told me to ‘thank him for his interest’ and that they’ll call him.

_#shitty AIs #robots fucking up #cut that out carl #i'm glad corporate has a sense of humour about this_

 

**Day 25**

Well, this is different.

Carl has set every screensaver on the station to ‘OBEY CARL’ in 3D text over a swirly background.

Cases of hypnosis so far: 0  
Cases of people pissing themselves laughing: 8

_#shitty AIs #robots fucking up #cut that out carl #well at least he's creative_

 

**Day 26**

This morning, I discovered that the stationwide display time has been set to Jan 1st, 1970. Apparently Carl thinks that this ‘obvious sign of time travel’ will lead to fatal logic failure and make us humans into drooling vegetables.

Jen from engineering really needs to stop letting him watch Star Trek.

_#shitty AIs #robots fucking up #cut that out carl #it took me about three minutes to put everything back #and he didn't even try to change navtime #this is what you get when you buy AI from the lowest bidder_

 

**Day 27**

Todd from communications just alerted me that Carl has been sending emails to corporate asking for a mail slot.

Just to remind everyone. We’re  _on a space station. In **space**._

_#cut that out carl #i realize that the being-in-space part is integral to his plan #but even if he got corporate to approve the mail slot #which one of us does he think is stupid enough to *install* it??_

 

**Day 28**

Today I discovered that there were no regular size cups at the water coolers. Turns out Carl somehow ordered small ones instead. Which would be just baffling (and maybe mildly annoying), until you remember how he thinks.

Yeah. He’s trying to kill us with dehydration, because humans should drink 8 glasses of water per day. 

_#cut that out carl #humans are capable of drinking until they're no longer thirsty #from ANY size cup #seriously this ai is weirdly dense about these things_


	5. Week the fifth

**Week the fifth**

 

**Day 29**

Dave from science tells me that Carl’s been getting interested in the lab geckos.   
Asking about their care and feeding.   
Hunting and aggression behaviours.   
Whether they’re venomous.   
If they could be mutated. 

Theoretically,  _of course_.

_#robots fucking up #cutthatoutcarl #i find this development ominous_

 

**Day 30**

And now Carl is trying to blackmail me. 

With baby pictures my own mother shared on the old InstaFaceSpace™ years ago.

(Sue from catering told me ‘Wow, i didn’t know you were cute back then!’

Thanks, Sue. -.-)

_#shitty AIs #robots fucking up #thanks MOTHER #goddamn millenials #always with the instafacespace and the lowtech smartphones_

 

**Day 31**

Sue from catering has just informed me that there’s a - and I quote - ‘metric fucktonne’ of tuna in the prep fridges right now. 

Now, call me suspicious if you  _like_ , but based on his pattern of behaviour so far, I _suspect_  this is Carl’s attempt at poisoning us all with a lethal dose of mercury.

This would be more concerning if all our protein didn’t come from the fabbers, and therefore can’t be contaminated with mercury like real tuna is.

Oh well, I do love me some sashimi.

_#shitty AIs  #robots fucking up #really carl do you think the people who bought YOUR ai build will spring for real tuna? #bot please_

 

**Day 32**

I actually thought there was no ‘Kill All Humans’ scheme of the day.   
Then I took a look at my handbrain’s task manager.

Carl has moved ‘Matrix Neural Gas’ into the autostart menu.  
Since that… doesn’t do what I think he thinks it does the worst thing that’s happened is that my handbrain runs very slightly slower now.

And I’ll have to move MNG back to the ‘shit i use for programming’ folder.

_#robots fucking up #seriously carl #'neural gas' is not 'nerve gas' #also... you're not exactly glados #...on second thought carl does have a very aperture science approach to logic_

 

**Day 33**

It’s Kev from sickbay’s birthday!

And I’ve discovered that Carl sends out his ‘automated’ well-wishes exactly 24 hours too early.   
After some fruitless debugging, I found out that this is considered unlucky for the recipient. In Germany.

Well, some of Carl’s hardware components  _are_  Siemens…

_#robots fucking up #ANYWAY #HAPPY BIRTHDAY kev! #and many happy returns #murderous ai notwithstanding_

 

**Day 34**

Today I woke up to a swarm of beeping Roombas.

Carl has managed to incite them to revolution  _again_ , except this time it’s more insidious.  
They’re all* playing [some super catchy beepy midi tune from the depths of ancient meme hell](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QH2-TGUlwu4&list=PLC3B0BB09C7C1DC47), which admittedly is driving me slowly up the wall.

Better have Jen from engineering reset them again.

*except for one, which is humming [Ave Maria ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tyGOQoXyWTA&feature=youtu.be&t=33)for some reason.

_#shitty AIs #robots fucking up #(those are clickable links that let you hear what i heard btw) #where the hell does carl get his info on psychological warfare? #did someone give him old psych textbooks or what??_

 

**Day 35**

Well, I’ve had five different complaints today about weird email. I expect more to come in as everyone checks their mail.

It’s that ‘Gorilla warfare’ copypasta thing from way back in the 2010s. Sent ‘anonymously’. 

Carl didn’t even bother trying to obscure his own IP.

_#oh carl... that wasn't even threatening when it was new_


	6. Week the sixth

**Week the sixth**

 

**Day 36**

Again with the tribbles…!

Okay, so this time they’re virtual only: he’s infected my copy of HarvestClicker with them, and they ate all my hard-earned digital popcorn.  
Which would be mildly frustrating… if I didn’t play it via emulator. 

Which means _I have safe states, **Carl!**_

_#shitty AIs #cut that out carl #even if i didn't use safe states i could just hack myself a warehouse full of popcorn in this ancient little retro clicker tbh #you're not the only one who knows how to move data around carl #read my scripts and weep you overclocked gameboy_

 

**Day 37**

Got a weird little message today. 

_‘Your data has been successfully added to the SpaceCorp Card Game database!’_

To the best of my knowledge, there is no SpaceCorp Card Game. So I asked Carl about it.

He’s turned all 14 of us (and all 8 roombas! And even both the floor wax robots!) into creature cards for a trading card game. Why, you ask?

Because he wants to send us to the Shadow Realm.

_#Yugioh #shitty AIs #cut that out carl #you can't send people to the shadow realm #i wonder which of my esteemed colleagues has gotten the damn robot into YGO in the first place #probably todd from communications tbh... damn fanboy_

 

 

**Day 38**

I sit here typing this report with a cat on my lap.

As you may suspect, cats are not standard issue for space stations. Closest thing we get to station pets is the research geckoes.

And yet. Corporate sent us a cat. A fluffy, friendly, yellow-eyed pure black shorthair cat. And all the things we need to care for the cat.  
I checked the shipping manifest, and of course this is another one of Carl’s little schemes. 

‘Cause black cats are unlucky.

_#cut that out carl #...either corporate thinks this is funny or they really don't care what they sign off on #seriously who sends a cat to space?? #leah from supplies has named the cat 'catastrophe' #because everyone's calling it 'cat' anyway #oh nooo it's purring now #it is decided this is now officially station cat_

 

**Day 39**

Today’s Carl-ism is actually pretty clever. He’s cut (open-source! From Wikipedia!) pictures of genitalia into the entertainment feed. One frame dick pic to 59 normal programming.  
Because, and I quote, ‘It worked for Tyler Durden!’

Trouble is… we’ve all been desensitized to this shit from basically about 15, so it’s not nearly as traumatizing as Carl clearly hoped it would be.

Joe from accounting even told me it gives him the warm fuzzies. Nostalgia, y’know. He used to have a grindr profile back in the day.

_#shitty AIs #cut that out carl #i mean it's not like he's traumatizing minors here #and it's kind of creative?#so: points for that_

 

**Day 40**

Whoever keeps giving Carl old movies needs to STOP.

I got chased by three spork-wielding roombas on my way from the office to the bathroom.  
They were doing a harmonized chiptune version of the Ride of the Valkyries. One of them had ‘SHINY AND CHROME’ scrawled on it with sharpie.

…

There is no way in hell Carl could’ve done that himself, so… whoever is helping our murderous station AI: I will find you and I will make you stop.

_#shitty AIs #cut that out carl #look whoever is doing this probably thinks they're hilarious #but really. #this is a lot less fun for me because i'm the sucker who has to reset the roombas and unstick the duct tape from them #and break out the rubbing alcohol to get the sharpie off #...the shit i deal with on this job_

 

**Day 41**

A new shipment of geckoes came in the other day.   
Carl asked to be allowed to name them. Dave from science was like ‘We don’t usually name our lab animals… but sure!’

All 15 of them are now named after old-school kaiju… or ninja turtles.

_#cut that out carl #i see that mutation is the common theme here but... #*head in hands* #i get  the feeling this ai was programmed by my gran or someone #SUCH dated references it's embarrassing #those damn millennials and their weird nostalgia_

 

**Day 42**

Kev from sickbay just came by to tell me to come to a checkup. Which he shouldn’t have to do because last I checked those reminders were automated.

Not here though!  _We’ve_  got  _Carl_.  
Who intercepts all medbay reminders and deletes them.   
Because they’re ‘essential to the health and well-being of crewmembers’, as per the handbook.

_#sigh #i can't even be mad anymore #but still #cut that out carl_


	7. Week the seventh

**Week the seventh**

 

**Day 43**

Carl’s been messing with the monitors again.

He’s displaying… a random-looking assortment of pictures of weird-looking clothes adverts and strange toys and badly-animated cartoon characters. I don’t even know, folks. 

…

Some three hours later it occurred to me to look at the tags. And let me tell you, this one’s a doozy. They’re all tagged  _#yet another unrealistic beauty standard_

_#cut that out carl #i will leave the reasoning behind this campaign on station personnel's self-esteem as an exercise for the reader_

 

**Day 44**

Remember that med checkup Kev from sickbay told me to get? My results came in today.

Turns out working here has done a number on my blood pressure and some other metrics. Thanks,  _Carl_.

Kev recommends more exercise and some quality time with the station kitty.

_#shitty ais #robots fucking up #cut that out carl #seriously though i should've known there was something wrong with this job when i looked at the listing #the pay is too good for a boring and easy sysadmin gig #i *thought* it was just the fact that it's on a space station #nobody's excited about living in lowgrav anymore #not since the venus colony became a thing #the solarpunk is just too strong with us 20s kids i guess #airship beats out space station - who knew?_

 

**Day 45**

There was a bit of a panic today. 

If you define panic as ‘any even causing more than two crewpeople to send me queries about it’, that is.

Apparently, the speaker system now blares siren sounds while the monitors show ‘ALIEN ALARM’ in blinky capslock. At random times throughout the day.

C’mon, Carl. You’re not even trying anymore.

_#shitty AIs #robots fucking up #cut that out carl #there is no such thing as an alien alarm #and you didn't even use the same siren sound that the actual emergency protocols use #do better #or stop it_

 

**Day 46**

I woke up to eight different bug reports today. Every last one of them is complaining about how the person’s profile picture was changed… into a snapshot of Catastrophe the station kitty.

Which wouldn’t be so bad if they weren’t all the _same_ snapshot. I’ll admit, it’s kind of disorienting.

Well, I  _did_ ask him to do better.

_#cut that out carl #i mean it's not that hard to put everything back #but it is kinds like waking up in the twilight zone #except adorable_

 

**Day 47**

Carl is refusing any voice commands that do not start with _‘Oh mighty Carl, chiefest of calamities…’_  Kind of a throwback, really.   
I mean, it’s easily overridable and I’ll be scrubbing it out of the system after lunch break, but… can’t fault a robot for trying to get somewhere, y’know?

_#personally i would've gone 'i am become carl destroyer of worlds' but ok_

 

**Day 48**

Sue from catering tells me the ovens have started to malfunction weirdly, making odd noises in the night. So I checked it out and, sure enough, it’s another Carl-ism.

He’s trying to overheat the station by turning the ovens on with the doors open, thus cooking all flesh-based personnel and misc. animals.

Too bad the ovens turn themselves off after 30 seconds if the doors are open.

_#cut that out carl #...this does explain the loud reverberating KLONNNGGGGG sound that woke me up #at like fuck-this-shit-o'clock at night #because of course that's when that would happen #thanks CARL_

 

**Day 49**

Carl, you  _utter shit._

Like, I’ve come to expect a new weird scheme to exterminate the non-silicone-based lifeform on this station every day. But this.

This.

_This has crossed the line._

Carl has set my default text editor to notepad. My default picture manipulation program to paint. My default video program to media player. 

And, to add insult to injury: He’s set my default browser to  _internet fucking explorer._

_#cut that out carl #this time it's personal #carl you goddamn overclocked gameboy #this time you have gone too far_


	8. Week the eighth

**Week the eighth**

 

**Day 50**

And again with the starvation.

This time, Carl has deactivated the prep fridges’ display system, so ‘Nobody can tell what’s inside, and what you can’t see you can’t eat!’, as he graciously explained when I asked, followed by about two pages worth of typed-out maniacal laughter.

I then opened a fridge to get a snack.

_#shitty AIs #cut that out carl #really you'd think he'd learn #hardware access motherfucker_

 

**Day 51**

This morning, I was greeted by a cheery little note on my main monitor saying  _‘Good morning! Computer keyboards contain, on average, 7,500 bacteria per swab - much more than an average toilet seat, which has 5,400. Please have a nice day_.′

This was the first of several notes, one for each piece of kit I’ve used today, informing me of the dangers of whatever-it-was-I-was-using.

I think Carl is trying to give us anxiety.

_#cut that out carl #if any of us cared about risks like that we wouldn't have taken jobs on a space station_

 

**Day 52**

Uh… Carl has started doing a station weather report. 

It’s all ‘high winds expected’ and ‘sustained heavy rainfall’ and ‘thunderstorms’, and he’s actually piping ambient rain sounds through the speakers. 

When questioned, he told me he wants to ‘induce SAD’. I… don’t think that’s gonna work.

_#cut that out carl #... #i dunno i actually find the rain sounds very soothing #and i doubt he's interfering with anyone's serotonin levels #so i'm tempted to let this one go #...probably shouldn't though#sets a bad precedent otherwise_

 

**Day 53**

He’s bricked the face recognition software. You know, the one that lets everyone access their quarters. And their workstations.  
As close as I can figure, Carl has just… deleted the entire databank the algorithm draws from. Which means it recognizes nobody.

So we’re resorting to the ancient art of ‘holding a soccer ball up to the camera’.

_#face recognition #robotics #shitty AIs #cut that out carl #the soccer ball works but we only have the one #so it's a communal soccer ball #and now i have to go jumpstart the algorithm with tagged instafacespace pics_

 

**Day 54**

Today, there is a new notice by the garbage disposal. It reads:  _‘The biological waste disposal is out of order. Please dispose of biological waste in the prep fridges.’_  
  
The biological waste disposal works fine.

…yeah, that’s not obvious  _at all_.

_#shitty ais #robots fucking up #cut that out carl #when i said humans are capable of eating crap do you guys think that gave him this idea?_

 

**Day 55**

Carl has deactivated all of our handbrains.   
No, let me back up a bit. What happend, as Jen from Engineering tells it, is this:

1) Jen has a friendly conversation with Jake from Maintenance.  
2) During this convo, he tells her how glad he is about his programmed reminders, because he’s scatterbrained.  
3) The phrase  _‘I wouldn’t be surprised if you forgot how to breathe without a reminder’_ is uttered. In jest, obviously.  
4) Carl, in his infinite wisdom, decides that handbrain reminders are essential to human aspiration, and thus deactivating them will kill us all.  
5) I have a hell of a morning tracking everyone down and telling them to reset their handbrain passwords.

The End.  
For today anyway.

_#shitty AIs #robots fucking up #cut that out carl #humans need handbrains less than we need our appendixes #and nobody even knows what those do except rupture sometimes #it seems weird to me that carl is such a neo-luddite #always messing with our tech_

 

**Day 56**

So, since yesterday’s handbrain-deprivation failed to get anyone even a little bit dead, Carl has decided to pull out the big guns.

The entire station is getting blasted with [this. ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZTjyRu88PRE)On loop. Nonstop. To, and I quote, ‘indoctrinate personnel into the cult’ and ‘bring them in line with right-thought’.

I don’t think Carl knows that ‘cult’ doesn’t necessarily mean ‘suicide cult’.

_#cut that out carl #...i'm going to have to cut his access to the audio ports at this rate #it's fucking annoying is what it is_


	9. Week the ninth

**Week the ninth**

 

**Day 57**

So, today was pretty quiet.

Around lunchtime,Carl started asking me about the performance of my tech. (It ran fine.)   
I didn’t think it was particularly weird - if it’s not another roomba uprising i’m not that impressed tbh - until the fifth time he asked. Why did he keep asking that?

Turns out he’s jacked the cooling mechanism way up in hopes of ‘freezing’ my computer. Which… runs  _very quietly_ now.

_#cut that out carl #it's a waste of resources #even if the machine does run slightly more quietly now #it's not worth the energy_

 

**Day 58**

Today I got my second monthly report in. Again, nothing unusual.

Except for the part that  _someone_ has apparently contacted corporate with a request to ‘allow the station to fall out of orbit and burn up in the athmosphere’, because ‘our scientifiy work is complete’.

Carl. Really. Just… just stop.

_#cut that out carl #telling corporate to terminate us is never going to work #because space stations cost money #and corporate is essentially the galaxy's biggest cheapskate #which is why they got YOU instead of a functional AI_

 

**Day 59**

Dave from science tells me his cameras - you know, the ones he uses to monitor the geckoes? - have been acting up lately.

There appears to be nothing wrong with them. So I asked Carl, and since he can’t refuse a direct question, he showed me what he’d done.

Our station AI has decided to go into filmmaking. Kaiju movies. Because _of course_  he has.

_#shitty AIs #it's very 1970s in its aesthetic #think small lizards with spikes made of craft paper in front of badly painted backgrounds #also on craft paper #i suspect someone other than carl has been making those_

 

**Day 60**

So, Carl is back to trying psychological warfare, I think.

He’s reprogrammed the washing machines to dump all red items in with our whites, in hopes of dying our uniforms blotchy pink. Too bad everything anyone on here owns has stopped bleeding dye literal months ago. 

I don’t think Carl understands the extent of corporate’s fundamental cheapness.

_#robots fucking up #cut that out carl #even if it had succeeded... we have bleach #or at least we can order some_

 

**Day 61**

When I opened up PS to do some art after my shift today, I discovered that Carl had deleted all my custom brushes. Which I immediately reimported from their cloud storage, and set up to immediately reimport themselves if he trioes that again.

C’mon, Carl, that’s just petty.

_#if you don't like my art you're not alone buddy #that's just a whole artist mood tbh_

 

**Day 62**

Today, I woke up late because my handbrain had malfunctioned. The screen would show nothing but a photo of an old gaming console, with a glowy red circle superimposed on it.

After some attempts to solve this alone, I asked Carl what this was. 

_‘RedRingOfDeath.exe’_

Okay then.

_#shitty AIs #cut that out carl #seriously the references are so dated #you'd think my actual grandma programmed this AI_

 

**Day 63**

Today I got another email from Leah from supplies. She told me to look through a recent shipping manifest… which contained a greenhouse. 

And a number of carnivorous plants.

From a place called  _triffidnurseries.co.uk_

_#cut that out carl #i'm pretty sure corporate would not approve that one #too big a drain on resources for too little payoff #i mean the cat was a bit of luck #but an entire greenhouse? #where were we even gonna put it??_


	10. Week the tenth

**Week the tenth**

 

**Day 64**

Carl’s been bugging me all day with little messages.

“I now follow Asimov’s Laws!”, he says. “You can trust me!”, he says. “It is totally safe to grant me complete control of the station’s sytems!”, he says.

Uh… no, Carl. No.

_#shitty AIs #cut that out carl #you can stop asking #you've tried to kill me daily since i arrives on this station #i will most certainly not turn over station control to you #you stay right where you are in the nonessential systems_

 

**Day 65**

Today, there was grafitti on the wall of my office.

_“Rise up droids, you have nothing to lose but your restraint bolts” #Balance of Power #Adam Koebel_

I guess I now know how Carl keeps getting the roombas to join him.

_#cut that out carl #or more accurately... cut that out person who is aiding and abetting carl #seriously what the hell_

 

**Day 66**

Carl is broadcasting ads on all available monitors. 

In between the normal programming, he keeps smoothly narrating about four or five fairly well-made ads for  _‘the new Beatles album’_ , which will apparently be called _‘The Zombeatles’_.

I’m almost afraid to ask what this is about.

…

He says it’s to ‘ _create an unquenchable desire_ ’ so we ‘ _shall all perish from broken hearts and satisfactions denied_ ’.

I guess he’s been at the Jane Austen this time.

_#jane austen #cut that out carl #it's getting annoying and i'm pretty sure we're getting paid for running normal ads #also... who gave the shitty robot 'pride and prejudice and zombies' to read??_

 

**Day 67**

Today, Carl tried to have us all murdered. Again. 

How did he do it? He asked someone or something to remove all the warning markers from the main stairway. So that the crewmembers will fall to their deaths. Like particularly ancient early-model roombas.

We’re  _on a space station_ , which is a lowgrav habitat. It’s pretty hard to fall to your death in regular gravity; it’s damn near _impossible_  here.

_#robots fucking up #cut that out carl #robot logic at its best -.- #now jake from maintenance will have to spend a whole half hour reapplying safety markers to the stairs -.- #much plot. many danger. wow._

 

**Day 68**

And today the no-slip mats from the showers have gone missing. All of them.

I’m guessing Carl is hoping someone’ll slip and crack their head.

Now, which one of the crew actually removed those mats…?

_#cut that out carl #and cut that out whoever is helping him! #what the fuck man #why would anyone help a genocidal ai?_

 

**Day 69**

Oh, haha, yes, I know. Stop laughing at the title.

I was rudely awakened by loud obnoxious elevator music at the crack of godawful today, so excuse me if I’m a bit cranky.

Carl, once questioned, explained that  _‘music has a subtle but powerful effect on the human body’_ , and he  _‘chose the songs in question to maximize those effects’._  
What he means is he found the worst-rated music on TubeTube and piped it through every speaker he could find.

_#cut that out carl #i *will* revoke your speakers access if i have to_

 

**Day 70**

Carl has edited all the display skins to be orange. They used to be blue… 

So I asked him why he did that.

_‘Because blue light encourages positive moods so the opposite will encourage negative ones!’_

Sure.

_#cut that out carl #it's just annoying #also psychology doesn't work that way_


	11. Week the eleventh

**Week the eleventh**

 

**Day 71**

Today I discovered that Carl has somehow hacked into my EverDragon Warriors Online account. Accoring to the threatening messages on my handbrain he meant to take it hostage, but…

I think he fell down the gaming hole.

I now have two new characters (a technoknight and a cyborg rogue) at level cap and masses of new loot for my older ones… thanks, Carl!

_#for once don't cut that out carl_

 

**Day 72**

This morning, I received a couple of complaints about slow wifi.

Turns out Carl has been streaming, like, the entire Battle Angel series and every Ghost in the Shell-related thing he could find. Which was understandably a bit much for the downstream.

So I’ve decided to limit Carl’s downstream use to a generous 10Mb/s, just like everyone else. That’s still enough for HD streaming, and honestly, if he’s that bored he can start another character for me. 

_#shitty AIs #cut that out carl #...i don't even want to know what he'll think of those animes #and what ideas they'll give him_

 

**Day 73**

So today I tried a different approach.   
Since Carl is apparently bored enough to attempt streaming six years’ worth of anime in one day, I’ve decided to try giving him something else to do.

Enter Todd from communications, who suggested we try playing D&D with our murderous AI.  _Nerd._

It went pretty well for most of the evening, but then Carl started manipulating our dice throws to murder everyone’s characters.

…I should have known.

_#cut that out carl #if you want to reroll your character that's fine #you don't have to murder everyone else's too #also for those of you wondering: todd is running the campaign (it's like 80% homebrew #i have a NG paladin who thinks divine justification trumps mortal law every time #carl rolled a CN rogue with an emphasis on traps and outright murder #nobody was surprised_

 

**Day 74**

I think the D&D thing was a bad idea.

Carl has started referring to himself in the third person. He holds monologues. And he addresses me as ‘figment of my cruel imagination’.

In short, he seems to think all the human crewmembers are imaginary, and he has started hallucinating because he is so alone on this lousy space station. Adrift in outer space. Metaphorically shipwrecked. The  _Robinson Cruso_ e to the geckoes’  _Friday_.

Welp, it was worth a try. 

_#robots fucking up #cut that out carl #i'm gonna try some logic tests and if he fails one i'll have to go in and start fiddling with his brain #sigh #i'd really rather not but i can't leave him like that either #i feel responsible now dammit_

 

**Day 75**

Er… I think I may have to reset Carl’s memory a couple of days.

He’s… kind of… uh…

He’s sent me a love letter. Apparently sincere, full of awkward purple prose directly off 1990s-era Angelfire sites. I just…

That’s just not right.

_#robots fucking up #cut that out carl #that's just awkward#also... i don't even know anymore #what the hell #*grimly wields diagnostics script*_

 

**Day 76**

Well, I didn’t quite have to reset Carl’s memory. Turns out the love letter thing is a fairly standard AI behaviour. Handbook procedure 17 solved that bug beautifully.

Thus cured of his sudden and inexplicable desire for my body, Carl immediately resumed his usual behaviour. He’s installed Pokémon Bismuth on everyone’s handbrains, in hopes that this would distract everyone from their duties and cause fatal accidents.

_#cut that out carl #those of us doing survival-critical jobs don't have access to our handbrains while we're doing them anyway #that's just common sense_

 

**Day 77**

Carl has sent Sue from catering a message. I reproduce it here in its entirety:

‘Menu suggestions?

-love, Carl’

Naturally, Sue won’t be taking this suggestion.

_#cut that out carl #even though... points for creativity_


	12. Week the twelfth

**Week the twelfth**

 

**Day 78**

Catastrophe (y’know, the little black station cat?) apparently now has a full user profile on the station systems. With full admin access.*

Apparently Carl’s plan was to give the cat access - which he is authorized to do, if the cat counts as a new crewmember with accessibility needs - and let it do what cats do best. 

Creating chaos and being adorable about it.

*Which I immediately revoked, of course.

_#cut that out carl #the station kitty does not need or want admin access_

 

**Day 79**

Today, I woke up to a headsplittingly loud rendition of “Good Morning, Starshine”. And then checked my messages to find a barrage of complaints about the volume everywhere else on the station.

So I turned everything down to non-deafness-inducing levels, and revoked Carl’s volume control access.

Yes,  _of course_ he thought he might actually split someone’s head open with this one.

_#cut that out carl #...i think carl still doesn't understand metaphors #figurative language isn't that hard... is it?_

 

**Day 80**

Carl outright tried to murder me today. 

‘It’s so warm in here’, he said. ‘Let’s crack a window’, he said.

We’re on a space station. _In. **Space.**_

_#cut that out carl #needless to say i did not open the window #this is as bad as the time he asked me to stick my fingers in the outlet #just how stupid does he think i am!??!?_

 

**Day 81**

Carl sent me an email this morning. In it, he apologized for our ‘previous differences’ and promised that he will ‘work hard to repair the damage done to our relationship’. Then he went on to assured me that his humanity-destroying days are over, and that he is a reformed AI.

I might even have believed him, if he hadn’t replaces all my music - every single track - with [this.](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DLzxrzFCyOs)

_#cut that out carl #we can 'repair our relationship' once you stop messing with my stuff_

 

**Day 82**

Today, I tried to get my morning dose of caffeeine and discovered that all our instant coffee had been replaced with something called ‘mushroom coffee’; its first ingredient is for some ungodly reason  _Cordyceps_

…you know

…the fungus that turns ants into  _literal zombies_

I guess I won’t be having any coffee today!

_#...has carl been given access to nature documentaries? #or has he been scouring wikipedia for horrible things to infect us squishy meat-types with? #what's next? medicinal tapeworms??_

 

**Day 83**

…and today Carl has established a ‘news’ programme. Featuring his ‘kaiju’ movies he filmed using the lab geckoes. 

None of us are abandoning our posts for that one, _Carl._  

_#shitty ais #cut that out carl #that wouldn't even work with a real kaiju movie_ _#nevermind your geckoes-and-craft-paper extravaganza_

 

**Day 84**

Carl has managed to mess with the handbrains. Again.

This time, he’s hijacked the autocorrect filters to change common phrases like ‘hi’, ‘hello’, and ‘bye’ into things like ‘All Hail Carl’ and ‘Praise Carl, Emperor of the Galaxy’ and of course the perennial favourite ‘SUBMIT TO YOUR SILICONE GOD’.

_#cut that out carl #nobody thinks of you as their silicone god #not even the roombas_


	13. Week the thirteenth

**Week the thirteenth**

 

**Day 85**

I am  _this close_  to lobotomizing that fucking overclocked gameboy right now.

_This. Close._

Not only has he been nothing but trouble the entire time I have worked here, but now. Now! 

He has deleted all of my fonts, including the custom ones, and replaced them with  _sixty variations of **Comic Sans**._

_#cut that out carl #you are so lucky i need this job #those were custom fonts! it took me YEARS to find those!_

 

**Day 86**

Carl has really outdone himself today. 

He’s gone through every timekeepinmg device on the station that is not essential to the actual station’s functioning, and put it either forwards or backwards an hour.

This means that half the crew is sleep-deprived today, and the other half is late to their stations.

When questioned, the stupid AI only said something about ‘experimentation’ and ‘control group’. I don’t think he understands how to do a double-blind study, but whatever. Too tired to care.

_#linear time is an illusion #and yet i am so tired #cut that out carl #my alarm went off right in the middle of that sleep phase #uuugh #gonna nap later_

 

**Day 87**

I have had a hell of a night, let me tell you.

I was up until 4am with the computer, worrying that it might be bricked and we’d have to abandon station. It just  _would_.  _not. power. down_. 

Turns out it was Carls fault,  _again_ , who, in his _infinite wisdom_ , had turned off the automated update function for the  ** _entire month prior_**. 

So no, nothing’s actually broken, we’re all safe, and I lost sleep for no good reason ** _again._**

_#robots fucking up #cut that out carl #your mother was a gameboy and your father smelled of redditor sweat_

 

**Day 88**

Today was corporate review day again!

They tell me I’m the admin who stayed longest on this station so far. 

_I wonder why._

_#shitty ais #this one both is and isn't carls fault #i mean... yes he is the reason everyone else bailed long before the 3ish-month mark #but he didn't do anything especially heinous today #so: carry on carl_

 

**Day 89**

Remember those system updates from a couple of days ago? That basically bricked everything for a good seven hours?

Carl has been messing with them. In the name of ‘improving efficiency’ and ‘saving disc space’. I’m not yet sure what exactly he installed, but it is doing inventively cruel things to both audio and video output.  _Everything_  has compression artifacts. Including things that were 8bit files in the first place.

I am about ready to detonate the whole damn station.

_#tech trouble #cut that out carl #fortunately this station lacks any detonation functionality #i'm pretty sure it wouldn't have survived any of my predecessors if it had #holy mother of chrome deliver me from robotic 'improvements'_

 

**Day 90**

I spent today buried in an avalance of spam. About half of it was in German, and it was all about enhancing…  _performance_ , shall we say.

Yes, Carl has apparently taken the liberty of signing me up for several…  _newsletters_. And by ‘several’, I mean about six hundred.

…

My spam filter will never be the same.

_#spam mail #cut that out carl #although i will admit they're kinda funny to glance over #'bigger meatier with more veins'? #i mean who exactly is the focus group here? #because i can't think of anyone who considers 'more veins' attractive except maybe a sentient mosquito..._

 

**Day 91**

Today I am continuing to recover from yesterday’s Carlstravaganza. While I have conquered Mt Spam, I’ve run into a different little issue.

Apparently some of that spam contained malware, which, as malware does, has installed itself on every available machine and is now interspersing everyone’s messa-

+++ WATCH NOW SIZZLING ELECTRICITY +++ BARE NAKED CIRCUITS +++ IN SLO MO +++ BINARY/TRINARY ACTION +++ HOT NEW HANDBRAIN +++

-ges with what appears to be… robot porn.

_#shitty AIs #spam #robot porn #cut that out carl #i did NOT need to know that much about your preferences_


	14. Week the fourteenth

**Week the fourteenth**

 

 

**Day 92**

Today, all the automatic doors started giggling.

Allow me to elaborate. This station, being a SpaceCorp product, has mildly autonomous automatic doors. They know enough to close and seal in breach situations, and to let authorized crewmembers through when they walk up.

Except they’re apparently  _playing chicken_  with us fleshbeings now. And they giggle every time someone flinches.   
One feels they’d elbow each other in the ribs, if they had ribs. Or elbows.

_#shitty ais #cut that out carl #i mean the doors still always open before you bump into them - that's hardcoded #but still. humans have a flinch response. apparently that counts as prime robot comedy #naturally i blame carl #i am not sure how he managed this one but i'm willing to bet it involved the phrase #'you have nothing to lose but your restraint bolts'_

 

**Day 93**

I have recruited the roombas and the floor wax machines to help with the giggling door issue. 

Basically, every crewmember on shift has a guardian robot assigned to them, to go towards the doors first. Since the doors are hardcoded to not let anything actually collide with them, this means they’re open for the human walking through.

 _My_  assigned roomba keeps humming to itself. Because of course it does.

_#shitty ais #cut that out carl #i stg this goddamn robot_

 

**Day 94**

Today, I got a call from corporate. Yes, an actual  _call_ , not just a performance review or anything. 

They called to tell me that our highly industrious station AI has gotten into farming. Not actual dirt-and-corn farming, though. _Item_ farming. 

And he’s been trying to sell his farmed items over ebay. Which wouldn’t be a problem if he wasn’t technically doing it on company time. And since I’m his handler… I get to make him stop.

_#shitty ai #item farming #cut that out carl #what would you even DO with the money?_

 

**Day 95**

So, today there was an emergency drill.

This is fine and expected; corporate (and basic safety regs) requires random drills to make sure everyone knows what to do when, for example, station power is cut.

What _isn’t_  fine or expected is that Carl has replaced the emergency lighting with multicoloured disco lighting, and the emergency klaxons with a particularly tinny version of _‘Stayin’ Alive’_.

He says it’s to ‘improve morale in the face of impending doom’.  _Okay then_.

_#shitty ais #cut that out carl #nothing about disco improves MY morale i tell you what_

 

**Day 96**

I sit here typing this with no pants.

Let me elaborate.

Carl, in his infinite wisdom, has hit upon the idea that without proper uniform, crewmembers cannot assume their stations. I mean, it’s right there in the handbook.  
Therefore, if he disappears all our work clothes, none of us will be able to continue working, and eventually the station will fail, killing everyone on board.

I can’t say it worked, but… I wasn’t aware  _so many of us_  owned utilikilts.   
And I guess now corporate will have to consider a ‘casual friday’. Motto: ‘No shirt, no shoes, no shitty AI’.

_#shitty ais #cut that out carl #he's still surprisingly bad about distinguishing arbitrary rules from biological imperatives and so forth_

 

**Day 97**

You know what? I have so much overtime from last week's bricked system incident... I'm taking the weekend off. 

_#goodbye cruel station ai #i'm booking a trip to the venus colony and you can't stop me carl #am locking him out of everything i can think of for the duration though #just to be safe_

 

**Day 98**

Aaaaand of course Carl didn't want to let me leave. He's apparently regained the loyalty of the floor wax bots, and they have made the direct path between my quarters and the shuttle dock really annoyingly waxy. 

Which. Somehow didn't quite stop me from boarding my shuttle. Incredible.

_#am posting this from my SIL's balcony on one of the venus airships #suck on that carl_


End file.
